


When The Flood Water Comes (I Will Help You Swim)

by callmedok



Series: Never Noticed The Map Was Off (But I Still Found My Way) [3]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Coming Out, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 09:21:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11780160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmedok/pseuds/callmedok
Summary: Sometimes, you end up going through hell before you find the people you need.Or; Bim Trimmer has a very bad night where he feels like he's drowning on dry land, and friendships are weird and difficult and messy.Donuts help.





	When The Flood Water Comes (I Will Help You Swim)

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is kind of dark with suicidal idealation, lots of internalized self hatred, and referenced homophobia/transphobia. If this could be a problem, please do not read this. I'm erring on the side of caution and rating this Mature for some of the things discussed.
> 
> Title is from Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms.

He wants to die.

He wants to break down sobbing on the sidewalk, not even caring how many cars are passing by right now. Claw at his own face, throw his phone into the traffic, hell he wants to throw himself into it.

He could step over the curb right now, nothing to keep him from doing it. Splatter all over the tarmac, and they could sweep it under the rug calling him some college student drunk if there wasn't enough to be scraped up for the blood test.

He's a miserable bastard, a fucking sad sack who shouldn't even exist,' You always look so sad because you're a needy bitch' someone once said as they ripped out his heart, and he wants to die.

He wants to start sobbing then and there because he's a fuck up who loses everyone because he should've kept his mouth shut more often, should've kept his heart off his sleeve, he shouldn't have added to their burdens when they already have their own shit.

On shaky legs with a take-out bag clutched in his left hand, he's trying to make it back onto campus as he lies to himself. Tells himself _'Today was fine, today was great, everything was fine and nothing went wrong.'_ Lies to himself that there isn't a bus pass in his pocket, he didn't go to the marketplace today, he didn't...he didn't just have one of the few people he's ever completely trusted with his secrets fuck off and abandon him.

Everyone leaves.

He always fucks up, says something wrong or can't quite express his feelings right. Tries to use plays and comics and movies as a shield, because half the time what can he give? Talk about how he panics sometimes, how he's low-key worried he'll never have a life of his own? Yeah, no. He might as well sew his own mouth shut before saying any of that out loud.

He ignores the way his eyes are tearing up, how he has to bite back sobs that threaten to escape. Just one foot in front of the other, and already he's on the outside fringes of campus. The engineering side he faintly notes, with the tech library that has good study rooms.

Theoretically, if he wanted to waste $20, he could rent one of those rooms for few hours and cry so he wouldn't have to see other people tonight. Doesn't sound too bad, except for the whole 'No food’ thing and he's starving.

He goes the less populated way to get back to the dorms, which take him neatly all the way across campus in a straight shot to the art buildings. He only knows that because of the advisor meetings for his major and minor fall under the branches of the art institute, and if it means he avoids the lecture building...

(Half fleeting thoughts of _those barriers look waist-height easy to climb over, as long as I took the elevator to the top-_ )

Well, a small benefit. It would've made the trip shorter to go that way, but with his head the way it is right now...

It was tempting, and that was more terrifying than anything else. Technically he could duck over to one of the comic book shops to hide and eat, but they knew him there and he didn't want to, couldn't have them see him like this. They were one of the few places he felt safe, and he didn't want them to treat him differently.

Like something broken that couldn't be fixed.

It's only eight something, on a Friday no less, but he's only seen a scattered handful of people on his way back through campus. It's both a relief and paranoia inducing, no one to see him holding back tears but shadows around every corner. If he can just get back to his dorm room, he'll brute-force his way through the math and-and he'll watch a movie or something, and everything will be fine. Everything will be better cause he'll be safe, he’ll be by himself, and he can cry himself sick cause tomorrow's Saturday and he doesn't have to do anything.

He can stay in bed until past noon, and maybe the world will be better then.

Then he gets to the dorms, and his heart fucking sinks.

'Pride in Arcadia!' one of the signs on the gate declares proudly, and from where he is he can see the people in seats around the make-shift runway and there's a bitter taste in his mouth. Too many people, Sammy really wanted to see this, what if they were there and cornered him and he was a mess and-

He hears the faint protest of the foam take-out container in the plastic bag as his grip tightens, and his hands shake as he takes out his student ID to swipe in. Keeps his head down, focusing on his beat-up sneakers and letting his feet take him to the elevator as he pretends not to exist. This isn't happening to him, it's happening to some other poor bastard whose life is falling apart, he's not a fucking mess-

Oh, who is he kidding himself?

Bim Trimmer is a hot fucking mess right now, and it's hysterical he ever thought otherwise. Day one and he was fucked from the start. His brain shredding his insides apart, his throat tight with words he can't say, and god he doesn't want to be alone tonight.

He's always alone though, so that's a tough thing to ask for.

Maybe it's fate pitying him, fortune smiling after a shit show end to an alright day that finds him on the 2nd floor rather than the 3rd. Walking to the stairs, unwilling to be cooped up much longer, he sees the name tag reading 'D. Iplier' and maybe it's stupid but...

Unthinkingly, running on autopilot trying not to panic, he'd ordered enough chicken for two. And Derek...he had horror movies, and kindness, and this would be the make or break moment. Bim in the depths of terror, reaching out for a hand to hold and someone to speak to. At least if things went south, it'd be two friends lost in a day rather than one on another day after this. He could mourn both at the same time, if need be.

So he knocks, covers his mouth as a sob rips out of him, and when Derek opens the door Bim puts on his best smile and says "Hey, ordered too much. Wanted to see this horror collection y'keep talking about."

Derek just smiles, says "I was just gonna put on Halloween as background noise, but feel free t'take a look. My roommate's out fer the weekend, if y'wanna hang out a while."

He doesn't say anything about the roughness in Bim's voice, the way his eyes are a bit glassy with tears, how his smile wobbled. He knows the sound of heartache, and if Bim wants to talk then he will.

Derek just waves him in, gestures to the TV set up under the raised bed, and gets out a giant binder of DVDs while Bim works on untying the plastic bag.

He gives Bim first choice as bringer of food, who ends up settling on Scream. He wants something mindless and bloody, after the events of earlier. Derek goes with Prom Night, because why not go with a bit of a slasher theme?

About thirty minutes into Scream, Bim hasn't touched his food yet, and begins to talk in scattered bits and pieces about what happened. Has to explain who Sammy is, why he's crying right now, why it _hurts_ so fucking much it happened. How they made him feel normal, how he told them the truth first semester before he even came out to his parents.

"I should've fuckin' known when they said transvestite shopping trip," Bim laughs mirthlessly, knees to his chest and wanting to disappear into the wall behind him."Shoulda trusted myself when I compared them to someone else who wrecked me."

Derek is quiet as Bim talks about the friend he found in another theater major, someone behind scenes rather than onstage. How he went to his first LGBT Club thing with them, and it'd been so easy to talk to them about all the stuff in his head. His worries and doubts about he wasn't enough, he'd never be enough, and how he was almost scared to go to therapy for something besides transitioning cause he knew there was something wrong about some of the thoughts in his head.

Now he's basically given Sammy the tools to rip him apart with if they really want to, stuff to fuck with his head and use as evidence of how he's broken. How he's flawed beyond hope, nothing to improve or salvage.

Bim's shaking by the time he runs out of things to say, already having repeated and backtracked a few times on himself. He's doing it again, risking everything on trusting someone else with info like this. How Bim isn't confident or suave all the time, he's a nervous terrified guy with no clue of what he's doing and he's so scared all the time about it. He can't bring himself to look at Derek, hiding his face against his knees.

Then there's the click of the remote as the movie is paused, and the sound of Derek's back hitting the wall as he slides down to sit next to Bim. They aren't touching in any way, and Derek isn't looking at Bim either when he risks a brief glance.

"Okay, first off: Sammy's a dick. You came out to them, and they still used transvestite? That's just fuckin' rude. I don't even care if it was cause of Rocky Horror, that's not cool. You call yourself trans, they shoulda used trans." Derek says, and Bim is a little scared at how cold his voice is right now. In the past few months of knowing Derek he's never seen him get...angry like this, but it's also a little heartwarming in a weird way that it's in response to Bim being hurt.

"Second..."Derek begins with less ice in his voice, only to sigh and place his palm on his forehead. "Second, I...I'm really sorry this happened, man. That you're hurtin' like this, again from the sound of it. I- I know what it's like, sort of, gettin' fucked like this. Scared that someone'll out ya, air yer dirty secrets." He continues softly after a moment, looking at his own hands.

"Look, fair's fair for coming out ta me when ya didn't have to. I-I'm gay. Last year of high school, told a few friends an' one of them snitched. Had to endure a lot of shit cause of that, an' teachers wouldn't do shit cause who's more believable, a white jock boy or the Asian kid who gets in trouble fer readin' horror?" He lets his words hang in the air for a minute, runs a hand through his hair with a sigh.

"...Look, what I'm tryin' t'say is it's not your fault you trusted someone. It's Sammy's fault fer betrayin' your trust. You opened up, an' they made you regret doin' it. That's a super shitty thing to do, an' if they don't see that then fuck 'em."Derek finishes rather firmly, looking over at Bim as he awkwardly pats him on the shoulder.

"...Y'really mean it?" Bim asks hesitantly, nervous to meet the other's eyes. He isn't looking for someone to tell him what he wants to hear, he just wants some honesty on how the hell to even deal with this. The second time things have gone horribly wrong like this, and it's like he can't breathe again and he hates it. Hates being scared, but this time he doesn't have family or other friends in the know on the clusterfuck. Derek only knows cause Bim couldn't stop himself from cracking, and he needs someone steady to help ground him.

"Yeah. Trust yerself, Bim. Somethin' feels wrong, it's probably fer a reason." Derek replies, gives a brief sharp nod. If he's honest, he's still kinda pissed someone's treated Bim like this. Pushed him to the point of calling himself broken, and that's just asking for Derek to rip them apart. Doesn't matter if it wasn't romantically or it was just in the vein of friendship, it's wrong to make anyone feel that way.

(And if it makes him think of Wilford just a bit, having a similar talk in high school... damn, he needs to introduce them in person sometime soon, hopefully before they have to look for a place to rent.)

"Thanks for letting me talk so long, I-I just...I really didn't want to be alone." Bim admits, meeting Derek's eyes cautiously. And...he’s serious. Every single word, with a steely glint in his eyes like that. It's a wave of relief as he relaxes against the wall, stops clutching his legs desperately to his chest.

"S'no problem, Bim. Look, how 'bout you stay over? We watch a shitload of movies, maybe do a donut run, an' we hang out. My roomie ain't back til Monday." Derek offers, tentatively bumping their shoulders together.

"...Sure, I'd like that." Bim replies softly, smiling a little. Then Derek hits play on the movie, and they resume making fun of the deaths where they left off.

Technically it's the next morning when they do the donut run at 5 AM, needing a break from their impromptu slasher marathon. They get a full dozen, cause might as well indulge with some left over for later, and it's...it's good.

Like a weight off Bim's shoulders doing something so soon with someone else that used to be just his and Sammy's thing. Watching a movie Friday night at Sammy's dorm, going on late night donut runs. He also doesn't have to try and edit himself, skirt away from topics because they'd be boring or because it'd be weird how much Bim could talk about this one movie or comic.

Derek doesn't make him feel like that. He makes Bim feel... _cool_ for being so invested in what he loves.

When he points this out to him on the way back to the dorms, Derek just takes a sip of lemonade and says "Well, it is cool. I don't know this stuff, but you're takin' the time to tell me an' that means it's special t'ya. Plus, you jus' told me there's more Vincent Price stuff beyond The Fly, so I mean that's a gift right there."

The conversation devolves into classic horror from there, about zombies and ghosts and mad scientists. They fight on the rough time span of 'classic', settling on late 50s to mid 70s as a compromise, and Bim promising to get his Vincent Price movies from his room so they can watch the original House on Haunted Hill then the remake Derek has with Geoffrey Rush in it. Conversation flows naturally, like a stream finally defrosted after winter, and Bim would hug him if the donuts wouldn't be at risk for crushing.

(Walking side by side, talking about whatever comes to mind, Bim has a brief fleeting moment where he can't believe how happy he is right now.

Last night, he felt like the world was ripped out from under his feet. Now, flicking a few crumbs from his coconut topped cake donut at Derek after he makes a shitty joke, everything seems...brighter.

Not perfect, in the aftermath of an emotional upheaval, but a step closer to okay.)

**Author's Note:**

> Brains like to bring up the darnedest stuff when you're feeling isolated and lonely, which is how the beginning was written up to the part where Bim gets to the elevator at the dorms.
> 
> Yeah, this happened to me up to the part where Derek gets involved. I didn't have a Derek, but the things he says to Bim are majorly things I learned in the middle of the mess and the aftermath of cutting ties with my own Sammy. Hell,it's stuff I'm still learning and trying to keep in mind months since it happened.
> 
> Bim kind of goes through hell emotionally for the next few weeks after this segment dealing with Sammy, but he has therapy in the works and soon enough Derek and Wilford who might not be the best with emotions either but they care enough to try and help.
> 
> Fun fact: the stuff Bim says should've tipped him off? Real stuff I said,real something they said.


End file.
